CYNICBALLS episode11 Starletballs
by Ace Trax
Summary: COMPLETED with PART 15: This man is a fraud. Don't miss that selfinsertion of mine. In Space Nobody Can Escape Tasteless Crossovers. This is a Daria Spaceballs Crossover Fusion.
1. INTRODUCTION

**BETA-READERS WANTED !**   
**The story is already spelled checked.**   
**But I would be very thankful for any comments and critics of Beta-Readers,**   
**So if you decide to beta-read it and by this reading the entire story, then please E-Mail me under**   
**ace_trax@yahoo.de**   
**and tell me what you think.**   
  


"In Space Nobody Can Escape Tasteless Crossovers." 

  


**INTRODUCTION:**   
Spaceballs is one of my most favourite movies. I have seen it so often, that I nearly know the movie by heart. Later when I got interested in Dariafandom, I stumbled over the fanfic trilogy "Cynic Wars", a Daria/ Star Wars crossover by the fanfiction author Matt. There I saw, that is was possible to create good fanfic by basing it on an other already existing story.   
Okay, this is a rip-off of a rip-off. But this story isn't just a rewritten Spaceballs script. Not only the characters were changed. I have left story parts away or altered them completely. Then by creating a symbiosis of the two story, new fantastic in-jokes appear. Further the reader will stumble over some satiric elements about Daria Fanfiction itself. 

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**   
This story is rated PG-13 by myself for mild sexual suggestions, comic sexuality, adult language, comic violence and a bit unrealistically used blood and gore.   
This story is set far, far, far beyond "Is It College Yet." 

**MAIN CAST:**   
This story is a "Daria"/"Spaceballs" crossover, but to be more precise, this is a "fusion" fanfiction. That means, that the Daria-characters act in a Spaceballs-environment. So I am sorry that Daria isn't meeting Yogurt, Lord Helmet etc.   
To avoid now confusion, consult the following cast lists:   


Spaceballs Cast 

Lone Starr   
Barf   
Princess Vespa   
Dot 

Dark Helmet   
President Skroob   
Comanderette Zircon   
Colonel Sandurz 

Yogurt   
King Roland   
Prince Valium   
Minister 

**+**

**+**   
**+**   
**+**   
**+**

**+**   
**+**   
**+**   
**+**

**+**   
**+**   
**+**   
**+**

Daria Cast 

Daria Morgendorffer   
Jane Lane   
Tom Sloane   
Trent Lane 

Quinn Morgendorffer   
Sandi Griffin   
Tiffany Blum-Decker   
Stacy Rowe 

Amy Barksdale   
Angier Sloane   
Brittany Taylor   
Anthony DeMartino 

**=**

**=**   
**=**   
**=**   
**=**

**=**   
**=**   
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**=**   
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**=**

Cynicballs Cast 

DARIA STARR   
JAY - NINE   
PRINCE TOM   
THREE - NT 

MISTRESS DARK QUINN   
PRESIDENT SANDI   
COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY   
COLONEL STACY 

AMY   
KING ANGIER   
PRINCESS BRITTANY   
MINISTER DE MARTINO

**DISCLAIMER:**   
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.   
The copyright owner of the Movie "Spaceballs" (created by Mel Brooks) is MGM.   
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the legal rights to use their material.   
This fanfiction story was done without authorization, permission or approval by copyright owners. 

**AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:**   
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel.   
That means: Me, as the author of this work **do not own **the pre-existing copyrighted stuff, but I **do own **the whole rest.   
That are all the novel words and syntax, which make the story.   
This site is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without any financial interests.   
Any financial or other uses of this document without the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners)   
are forbidden.   
Text Copyright © 2002, Ace Trax. All rights reserved. 

**THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:**   
First I want to thank me, me and of course me. 

Thanks to Matt, the creator of the cynic wars trilogy, which is a classic example of a successful sci-fi fusion story. And from whom I borrowed the concept of the "sarcasm".   
His works can be found here: http://www.outpost-daria.com/fanfic_m_author.html 

Thanks to Kara Wild and the whole "Abruptly Amy" staff. Who allowed me to use their term "Abruptly Amy".   
Their site can be found here: http://www.goes.com/~milo/AA/ 

Thanks to Mel Brooks, for his comedic genius. 

And of course thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes".   



	2. PART 01: A bit evil

PART 01: A bit evil.

  
  
  


**Not too long ago...**

**In a galaxy far, far, too close, there lived a wicked race of humanoids with the name: Starletballs.**   
  
  


**CYNICBALLS**

**Episode Eleven:**

**STARLETBALLS**

**The evil new leaders of the planet Starletball:**   
**The Fashion Club**   
**are seeking total domination**   
**by creating the ultimate hairstyle.**   
**But by consuming too many hairspray cans,**   
**they had foolishly destroyed their planet precious ozone layer.**   
**Now it is no more possible to gain a natural tan,**   
**without getting unfashionable skin cancer.**   
**So the Fashion Club had devised a secret plan to blackmail ozone**   
**from their peace-loving neighbor,**   
**planet Sloania.**

**Today prince Tom of Sloania is going to wed princess Brittany of Taylor.**   
**But invisible to the wedding party,**   
**but visible to us of course, danger sneaks up on high heels. . .**   


**If you can read this, you don't need glasses**   
**or contacts**   
**or these color contacts**   
**or a laser surgery...**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**EXT. STARLETBALL ONE - SPACE**   
_"Starletball One" is an enormous Spaceship. Slowly it paves its way through the stars._   
_It is armed with several multiblasting laser cannons, torpedo decks, fighter jets banks and rocket launchers. At the end of the ship there is a 500-meter wide bumper sticker saying: "BABY ON BOARD"_

**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**   
_Colonel Stacy, in a silver gray uniform, is standing at the bridge._   
_Around her are a lot of personal computers each one equipped with one of those nameless spotty computer geeks._   
_On the main computer terminal sits corporal Ted Devitt-Clinton._   
_Besides him stands medic Andrea in a fachist Goth combat suit._   
_The Three Storm J's (That is Joey, Jeffy and Jamie) are holding laserguns and stand guard. They are looking rather bored out of the window._   
_Suddenly a little sneaky figure stands up: It is sergeant Charles Ruttheimer III....well better known to the whole crew and the rest of the universe as sergeant Upchuck._

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
Colonel grrrrrr Stacy. 

**COLONEL STACY:**   
Eep, what do you want? 

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
May, I whisper in your delicious little ear the delightful message that planet Sloania is in sight, my little buttercup. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
What ??? 

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
We arrived at planet Sloania, ma'am 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Aha! Then I should better call Mistress Dark Quinn. 

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
That is not necessary my humble flamingo. I took the shameless liberty to call herrrrrr myself. She is *coming* to us. 

**VOICE (O.S.) :**   
Make way for Mistress Dark Quinn. 

_The whole crew rises while a door opens revealing "Mistress Dark Quinn", she is wearing a totally black suit. She looks like a mix between Darth Vader, Seven of Nine, Xena and that android from Metropolis. She walks to Stacy. The Three Storm J's are greeting her._

**JOEY :**   
Hi Quinn, you look beautiful. 

**JEFFY :**   
Hi Quinn, you are beautiful. 

**JAMIE :**   
Hi Quinn, you....you...you...simply beautiful. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Oh, *thank* you boys. Caramel... plum... of course, black is always good. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
We arrived at planet Sloania, Quinn. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Great. I'll just make a *tiny* *winy* call to President Sandi. 

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
No need to do that my precious. I had the pleasurrrrrre doing it for you. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
What? Eww! You cannot do such important things like that, behind my back! 

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
Well, I am the kind of guy, who doesn't mind doing things for you behind yourrrrrr back. I think you should give we a rrrrrrreward. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Of course, Upchuck. 

_She points her fist at him/ close up of a black ring with an "S" on it, which she wears on her ring finger._

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
Uups, I got a bad feeling about this. 

_The ring starts to glow pink, then a laser blast fires at Upchuck._

**CUT TO:**

**EXT. STARLETBALL ONE - SPACE**   
_We don't see, where the blast hit him but is must have hurt a lot._

**VOICE OF SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww! 

**CUT TO:**

**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Medic!!! 

_Medic Andrea steps into action and drags the unconscious Upchuck away._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
That was cool, Quinn. You are so gruesome but fair. 

_The ship's screen shows a picture of planet Sloania._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Ahh, planet Sloania, with enough ozone for the next ten thousand years. Once we kidnap the prince, we will force his royal family to give us the combination to its planetary force field.   
Thereby planet Sloania gets destroyed and planet Starletballs lives. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Ehem... but isn't destroying one planet for the sake of another planet a bit... 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
A bit what? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
A bit evil? 

**THE THREE STORM J'S :**   
...uh...yeah...Stacy is right. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Stacy and dear boys. I *know* planet Sloania needs its ozone layer too, but it is soon summer and I can't wait to show the world my *new* bikini collection I have bought at the last sales. 

**THE THREE STORM J'S :**   
Yeah! Screw Sloania!!! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
You are so right Quinn. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**_(evil smirk)_   
Let's hope it is going to be a long wedding ceremony, because they will have a short honeymoon. Soon prince Tom will be *mine*. 


	3. PART 02: Bon Jovi isn't that bad

PART 02: Bon Jovi isn't that bad.

  
  
  
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**PLANET SLOANIA - EXT. THE SLOAN PALACE - DAY**   
_Planet Sloania looks like a huge gated community with a lot of luxury estates._

**INT. THE SLOAN PALACE - DAY**   
_Angier and Katherine, Tom's parents, are standing in front the closed door of his room. Beside them, stands Tom's sister Elsie, who is as always really unmotivated._

**KING ANGIER :**   
Tom, please, it is time for the wedding. 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
Everything is ready. And we have got Mystik Galactic Spiral as the wedding band, as you have wished. But unfortunately, we can't find its lead guitarist. 

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
Tom, come out and marry Brittany. Imagine all the things you can do with her in the wedding night. 

_Tom opens the door._

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
That worked fast... 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Hey, I was about to come out... I just was having some… doubts... oh never mind. 

**INT. THE SLOAN PALACE - WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY**   
_Tom and his dad stand at the altar together with Minister DeMartino. Brittany and her dad start walking down the aisle. The Mystik Galactic Spiral, without its lead guitarist Three-NT, is playing "Here Comes the Bride" in grunge style._

**PRINCE TOM :** _(whispering)_   
Dad. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
Yes son? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Dad, you know I don't love her. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
Yes, but she has got the two most beautiful eyes of the universe. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
I wasn't thinking about that. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
Me either...(Tom glares at him)... just a little frivolously hoax... 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Dad, I don't understand the concept, why princes are only allowed to marry princess or popular women. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
But Tom, princess Brittany makes a very good future queen for our planet... 

_Brittany and her dad reach the altar._

**MINISTER DEMARTINO :**   
Dearly BELOVED! We are gathered HERE on this MOST joyous   
occasion, to witness princess BritTANY and prince TOM.... 

_Suddenly Tom runs away._

**MINISTER DEMARTINO :**   
...running of the alter, HEADING down the AISLE, and   
out the door... 

**EXT. THE SLOAN PALACE - DAY**   
_Tom runs past the wedding Mercedes ahead to his Ford Pinto. Chased by the wedding party._

**KING ANGIER :**   
Tom! 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
Tom, where are you going? 

_The Ford Pinto blast of into space._   
_(Well, in this sci-fi story Ford Pintos are capable of space travel. )_

**PRINCESS ELSIE : **_(hoaxing)_   
He has forgotten the wedding ring, he will be soon back. 

**PRINCESS BRITTANY :**   
Oh well, that happens occasionally. I am glad, I thought he would run away. 

**EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE**   
_Music: "It's my Life" by Bon Jovi._   
_The Spacetank is a little spaceship flying through space._   
_It looks like the "Tank" from Max, just much more longer with wings and boosters on the back._

**INT. THE SPACETANK - VAN**   
_J-Nine, a "half-humanoid/half-dog" alien, is standing at a canvas in the backroom of the van. She is painting dog food cans in an Andy Warhol style, while listening to the Bon Jovi Rock Music._   
_Daria Starr, a humanoid, is sleeping at the sterling wheel. She wears her usual outfit with one exception, instead her short black skirt she has got a pair of black jeans on._   
_Suddenly ..._

**VIDEOPHONE :**   
Beep, beep, beep, beep... 

**DARIA STARR: **_(open her eyes)_   
Barf… barf...barf!!! 

**J-NINE :**   
Hey, Bon Jovi isn't that bad. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
J-Nine! 

**J-NINE :**   
I am not here, why not try it with J-Ten... again space sick hmm? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Barf...barf...buerk... 

**J-NINE :**   
Bien danetos a la sick bag, amiga. 

_J-Nine walks into the cockpit, after Daria finished vomiting into a sick bag. She answers the videophone. Beannie-Bennet appears on the screen._   
_She is a "half-Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit (a sort of "Beanie Babies") / half- humanoid" alien._

**BEANNIE-BENNET :**   
Well, if it isn't fuzzy Daria Starr, and her partner in crime, wuzzy J-...Eighteen? 

**J-NINE :**   
That's J-Nine. I want to keep my straight "C" average. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Mrs. Beannie-Bennet, what do you want? 

**BEANNIE-BENNET :**   
No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what she wants. 

_Ms. Li The "Angel" appears on the videophone._   
_She is a humanoid and is dressed like Al Capone and Edgar Hoover._

**DARIA STARR AND J-NINE :** _(both surprised)_   
Ms. Li The "Angel"!!! 

**LI THE "ANGEL" :**   
Miss Starr, Miss Lane. The Laaawwwnnndale Syndicate received a message from the planet Johansson. They told me two girls wanted to sell them chocolate bars and then suddenly refused to do so. Even after they offered one million Stardollars. That was more than *twice* the selling price. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
The whole planet was hypoglycemic. It would have cause genocide, when they would have eaten that chocolate. 

**LI THE "ANGEL" :**   
How do you know they would have eaten it? Maybe they wanted it as a present for their neighbors? 

**J-NINE :**   
Planet Johansson got no neighbors. I believe they have eaten them. 

**LI THE "ANGEL" :**   
I don't care. The Laaawwwnnndale Syndicate needs that money. You have 48 hours to sell the chocolate bars for one million Stardollars or else... 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Or else what? 

**LI THE "ANGEL" :**   
Tell them, Mrs. Beannie-Bennet. 

**BEANNIE-BENNET :**   
Or else you get fuzzy wuzzy detention for the next 48 years. 

_Beannie-Bennet and Li The "Angel" start an evil laugh._   
_J-Nine switches the videophone off._

**J-NINE :**   
So either we murder the population of a whole planet to get one million Stardollars in 48 hours, or we get fuzzy wuzzy detention for the next 48 years. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Well there is still a third option. 

**J-NINE:** _(hopeful)_   
Really, there is? 

**DARIA STARR:**_ (deadpan)_   
Yes, we can fly straight forward into the next black hole. 

**EXT. TOM'S PINTO - SPACE**   
_Music: "Sleeping in My Car" by Roxette._

**INT. TOM'S PINTO - CAR**   
_Tom is driving, suddenly a figure appears behind on the backseat. It is Three-NT, who just had wake up. Three-NT is a "half-humanoid/ half-music android" and the lead guitarist of Mystik Galactic Spiral.___

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Three-NT!!! 

**THREE-NT :**   
Hey, Janey's ex... and Daria's ex! 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Weren't you playing in your band? 

**THREE-NT :**   
No. Hey, can't you remember. You are not married, I was asleep. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Uhm... yes in my car. What are you doing here? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Having a nap. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
In my car? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Well, actually I was waiting here for a groupie (chuckles-coughs) and fell asleep. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
The all day leisure entertainment of a rock star... what for a groupie? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Dunno... but she was cute. I think her name was Ally… Ellie... Elsie... whatever. 

_Tom's face turns into a shade of white._


	4. PART 03: At dance parties

PART 03: **At dance parties...**

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**EXT. STARLETBALL CITY - NIGHT**   
_Starletball City is the capital of the planet Starletball. The whole metropolis is filled with gigantic malls and leisure centers._

**INT. PRESIDENT SANDI'S OFFICE**   
_Sandi dressed in a business suit like her ones her mom wears. She is talking via videophone to Val from the famous "Val Magazine"._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Don't be *ridiculous*. As president of planet Starletball, I can *assure* both you and your readers, that there is absolutely no skin cancer risk at all. The only reason why sunbathing is forbidden, is because it is a fashion crime having a tan in *this* time of year, due it *clashes* with the upcoming spring collection. Thanks for calling. Bye, bye...   
_(hangs up phone and then swears) _52-years-old hag! 

_Sandi opens a desk drawer. Inside there are a lot of chocolate bars. She takes one out._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Oh my sweet temptation. I just can't control myself.   
_(She takes a bite and moans while chewing it.)_

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :** _(dressed in a silver gray uniform mini, suddenly appears on the videophone)_   
Hail, President ... eww... Sandi. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**_(throws the bar away, and wipes her mouth, but missing one spot of chocolate above her lips)_   
Eep! Umps. What is commanderette Tiffany? 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Mistress Dark Quinn is cloooooosing in on prince Tom. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Excellent! I will join you at headquarters to supervise the operation. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Shaaaaaall I have lieutenant Mack beam you down? 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
That beaming stuff. Doesn't it tangle up your hair? 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Umm..... lieutenant Jodie? 

**LEUTENANT JODIE :**   
It is safe Mrs. President. Lieutenant Mack and me have tested it in detail during the last weeks. Only last night Mack beamed me up four times. It was fantastic for me. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Uhh... four times!!!??? 

**LEUTENANT MACK :**   
Well, we could have managed more, but Jodie still wanted to work on her history project. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Ahh.... all right then. I hope it is fantastic for me too. 

_Sandi steps into the beaming pod._

**LEUTENANT JODIE :**   
Mack, energy. 

**LEUTENANT MACK :**   
Yes, ma'am. 

_Sandi beams out of his office._

**INT. HEADQUATERES**   
_Sandi reappears. Everything with her is normal, except one detail... well two actually._

**LEUTENANT JODIE :**   
Mack... ehem... what has happened to her... boobs? 

**LEUTENANT MACK :**   
Uups! 

_Sandi, her face full with horror, looks down, then she turns around, showing the crew where her boobs now are._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
They are on her BACK? That is sooooo wrong. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
OHMIGAWD!!! ARGHHHH!!!!. JODIE!!!!! MACK!!!!!! TIFFANY!!!!!!! 

**LEUTENANT MACK :**   
I'm sorry, Mrs. President. We fix it straight away. _(to Jodie) _I told to you, you should have skipped that assignment last night. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
I am now a freaking mutant!!! 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Sandi, actually you got now some advantages. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
What do you mean? 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Well... _(blushes)_ ...at dance parties... 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Eww Tiffany! 

_Everyone in headquarters is amused, but they are too afraid to snicker._

**LEUTENANT JODIE :**   
All right President Sandi. We will beam you back to your old shape, hold on. 

**LEUTENANT MACK : **_(flipping switches)_   
Lock ONE, Lock TWO, Lock NESS... 

_Sandi beams out._

**INT. PRESIDENT SANDI'S OFFICE - NIGHT**   
_Sandi reappears back to normal._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
I am back to normal, oh how I missed you my little babies. 

_Sandi holds her boobs full of pride._   
_Tiffany appears on the monitor, catching the moment when Sandi is holding her boobs._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Is everything oka... eww. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**_ (letting her hands of her boobs)_   
Yes, fine, but no thanks to you. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Lieutenant Jodie prepare again for beam...... 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
No, never again. No more beaming. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
But the operaaaaaation... 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Just tell Mistress Dark Quinn to catch prince Tom alive. 

**EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE**

**VOICE OF KING ANGIER :**   
Help us Tom's two ex-girlfriends, you are our only hope... 

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT**   
_Daria and J-Nine are talking to the Sloane Family on the videophone._

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
You two are the only ones, who can find my little sunshine. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Although I promised Tom to stay good friends after we have broke up... 

**J-NINE :**   
...she learned fast like me to avoid him anyway for the rest of her life. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
So you can say, that I am not interested to break up old wounds... 

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
Oh, and how much we should pay you to get interested? 

**J-NINE :**   
In that case, we will do it for a million spacedollars. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
A million spacedollars? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
A million spacedollars? 

**J-NINE :**   
Yes, this job is very delicate, it has got a lot of emotional risk... by the thought of it: Two million spacedollars? 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
All right we pay two million spacedollars. Just bring him back to us. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
So, it's a steal, it's a deal. What is he driving… 

**ALL :**   
A rusty old Ford Pinto! 

**J-NINE :**   
One prince for two million spacedollars. Coming up. 

_J-Nine switches the videophone off._

**J-NINE :**   
Gimmie paw. Two million spacedollars. We can pay off Li the "Angel". 

_Daria gives J-Nine her hand._

**DARIA STARR :**   
That you can do with your share. I am going to hire a hitman to kill her. 

**EXT. STARLETBALL ONE - SPACE**   
_Starletball One is approaching Tom's Pinto._

**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**

**COLONEL STACY :**   
They are at our firing range, Mistress Dark Quinn. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Good. Gunner! Fire warning shots across his car. 

**EXT. TOM'S PINTO - SPACE**   
_Laser guns start firing, some laser beams are hitting Tom's Pinto._

**INT. TOM'S PINTO**

**PRINCE TOM :**   
What the...... 

**THREE-NT :**   
It is either a concert of Pink Floyd, or somebody is trying to kill us. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
I didn't knew I was *so* popular. 


	5. PART 04: Lightspeed is not fast enough

PART 04: **Lightspeed is not fast enough.**

  
  
  
  
  
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**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww! Be careful, gunner. I said *across* his car, not *at* his car. 

**GUNNER :**_(he faces Quinn, he looks like Artie, the UFO geek )_   
Sorry, Quinn. I do the best, I can. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Who made that geek a gunner? 

**MAJOR :** _(he is Artie, the UFO geek)_   
I did, Quinn. He is my cousin. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Who is he? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
He is a Moron, Quinn. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
I know that. What's his name? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
That is his name: Moron. Major Artie Moron . 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
And his cousin? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
He's a Moron too. First Class Gunner: Andrew Phillip Moron. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
How many Morons do we got on this ship? 

_All, except the Three J's and Ted Devitt-Clinton, stand up and hail to her._

**ALL:**   
We all, Mistress Dark Quinn! 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
I knew it all the time. I am surrounded by *morons*. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Ehem, Quinn? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Yes. All, except Ted, Jeffy, Joey and what's-his-name. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Ah... oh you have forgotten... 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Yes, Andrea and Upchuck at the medic station.   
_(ignoring Stacy, addressing to the crew) _Keep on firing, you morons!!! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Eep!!! _(Stacy starts sobbing)_

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT**   
_Daria and J-Nine sees how Starletball One is firing at Tom's Pinto._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Uh-oh. 

**J-NINE :**   
Oh-oh. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Uh-oh. 

**J-NINE :**   
Oh-oh. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Uh-oh, we only can save him, when we jam their radar. 

**J-NINE :**   
Ah-ha! Good idea. Yo, let's fire a jar of jam at their radar. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Don't be silly, we use the chocolate bars to make them believe, they came into a meteorite storm 

**EXT. STARLETBALL ONE - SPACE**   
_The backdoor of the Spacetank opens and 100'000 chocolate bars flies out into space. (Hey, this is "sci-fi": 100'000 chocolate bars can fit into the Spacetank). This cloud of chocolate approaches Starletball One, which stops at once._

_The Spacetank docks on Tom's Ford Pinto._

**INT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE**   
_Three-NT and Tom board the ship._

**THREE-NT :**   
Hey, Janey. 

**J-NINE :**   
Yo! Three-NT, what are you doing here? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Oh, you know. Babysitting runaway princes, whatever... Hey Daria. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(mutters)_   
Hi, Three-NT. Hi,…… Tom. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Nice to see you two again after so long time... you are getting paid by my parents? 

**J-NINE :**   
We are not just doing this for money. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
So you also do it to revive our forgotten friendship... 

**J-NINE :**   
Nah. We are doing it for a shitload of money. 

**INT. SPACEBALL ONE - BRIDGE**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww! When is this pesky meteorite storm over? 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
Mistress Dark Quinn, Colonel Stacy, the radar indicates a subnormal consistence of the meteorite storm. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
The what? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
The what? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
And the what? 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
You know. Due the subatomic structure of this cosmic constellation, I presume, that the origin of the phenomenon is artificial. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Does he speaks English too ? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
You must admit, that for a nerd he is kind of cute. 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
To prove my hypothesis, I have beamed out a sample of the meteorites. 

_Ted presents Quinn and Stacy a plate with chocolate bars._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Chocolate bars? _(she tastes one bar) _Raspberry favor... Delicious... There is only one person in the universe, who would dare give me the raspberry. My Cousin: Daria Starr! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Eep, Quinn look at the radar screen. A outline of a van. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
A van? The Spacetank! Dah-ree-yahhh! Dah-ree-yahhhhh!!! 

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT**   
_Daria looks out the window and sees Starletball One coming near._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Uh-oh. Here comes the Hindenburg. 

**J-NINE :**   
Then let's get hyperactive. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Hyperactive? You mean hyperspeed. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Exactly. But hyperactive sounds cooler… fasten your seatbelt. This is going to rock. 

**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**   
_Quinn and Stacy see the Spacetank in front of them._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
The ship of your cousin has got no chance against our firepower. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Excellent. Prepare to attack at my command. On the count of three: One, two... 

_The Spacetank takes off into hyperspeed and vanishs in front of the eyes of Quinn.._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
They have gone to hyperspeed. They must have hyperpower on board. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
And what have we got on board? Propane gas? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
No, Quinn. (_to the crew) _Prepare ship for Light Speed. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
No, Light Speed is not fast enough. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
What? Light Speed is not fast enough? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Not for me. Full blast, please. 

**COLONEL STACY : **_(gasping)_   
Full blast? Quinn. I don't know if the ship can take it. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
I am taking the *full* responsibility Stacy. 

_Stacy and the whole crew start to buckles up in their seats._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(To the crew)_   
Now hear this, Full blast, at once. Go! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Quinn, you have forgotten to buckle up... 

_The ship takes off. The display lights up: "Light Speed", "Medium Blast Speed" , and then at last " Full Blast Speed". Quinn is being pulled back by the velocity._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Whoa! What have I done? I just made my hair. 

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT**   
_Starletball One passes over the Spacetank. At this velocity Starletball One glooms in a plaid-light-pattern._

**THREE-NT :**   
Cool. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
What the hell was that? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
That was Starletball One at Full blast. 

**J-NINE :**   
Quinn would kill herself, when she finds out she is been seen in plaid. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(smirks)_   
Right get the Polaroid then. 


	6. PART 05: DuneLookALike planet

**PART 05: Dune-Look-A-Like planet.**

  
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****   
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**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
How convenient. This speed flattens the wrinkles on my face. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Yes Quinn, but our boobs getting flattened too. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
What! Eww. Stop at once. I order you. STOOOOOP! 

_Stacy pulls a brake. The ship stops at once and the unbuckled Quinn flies across the ship right into the front ship computer._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Quinn, are you all right? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**_(under shock)_   
Fine. How is my hair? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
The Full Blast gave it extra volume, it looks awesome. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(still under shock)_   
I have got a really high pain tolerance for hair care treatments. 

_Quinn passes out and falls forward._

_(AUTHORS NOTE: Quinn was not harmed in that scene, after all she is a cartoon figure.)_

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT**

**DARIA STARR :**   
Take out of hyperactive. And then we set a course for planet Sloania. 

**J-NINE :**   
Yo, _(The Spacetank starts shaking) _ami...mi...mi...ga. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
What the..? 

**THREE-NT :**   
We are losing power. No gas. We must have burned it up in hyperactive. Janey, I told you to put always more that five bucks worth in. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
We must prepare for emergency landing on the next planet. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Good idea. J-Nine, give me a reading. 

**J-NINE : **_(prays)_   
Oh Father in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by kingdom come.... 

_Daria Three-NT and Tom are glaring at her._

**J-NINE :**   
... hey, this is a suitable occasion for that. 

**PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE - EXT. THE SPACETANK - DESERT - EVENING**   
_The Spacetank comes down on the sands of this desert planet._

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT - EVENING**   
_Our heroes are panicking._

**J-NINE :**   
Left, right, I mean right. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Pull up, pull up. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Whatever... 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Dah! A giant dune. 

_The Spacetank crashes on a sand dune._

**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**   
_Quinn, Stacy, and Ted are watching the radar._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
That is so boring can't we zap on an other channel ? 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
Pardon me, ma'am. I have an idea. We could apply the internet to obtain information of the fanfictionstory of Cynicballs. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Good idea Ted, make it so. 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
Yes ma'am. 

_Ted goes online and starts typing passwords in._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Stacy, excuse me? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Yes, Quinn. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
How can there be a fanfiction called Cynicballs, when the story is still been written! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Yes, but there is a new site called "www.unfinishedfanfiction.net". They put everything on the net, not caring if it has been finished. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(disbelieving)_   
Naaah. 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
I have managed to detect it: "Cynicballs Episode XI: Starletballs" by Ace Trax. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
That is super Ted. Put it on the screen. 

**SCREEN :**   
**_Once upon a time..._**   
**_In a galaxy far, far, too close, there lived a wicked race of humanoids with the name... Starletballs._**

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Brilliant. Go to the last page, Ted. 

**SCREEN :**   
**_COLONEL STACY : Brilliant. Go to the last page, Ted._**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Oh, no the story isn't finish yet. 

**SCREEN :**   
**_MISTRESS DARK QUINN : Oh, no the story isn't finish yet._**

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Eep, look what happened to the screen. 

**SCREEN :**   
**_COLONEL STACY : Eep, look what happened to the screen._**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Everything ,we say appears on the screen. 

**SCREEN :**   
**_MISTRESS DARK QUINN : Everything ,we say appears on the screen._**

**CORPORAL TED :**   
We are looking at now. Everything that happens now, is happening now. 

**SCREEN :**   
**_CORPORAL TED : We are looking at now. Everything that happens now, is happening now._**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww, that is so creepy, stop it. 

_Corporal Ted scrolls some pages up._

**SCREEN :**   
**_PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE - EXT. THE SPACETANK - DESERT - EVENING_**   
**_The Spacetank comes down on the sands of this desert planet._**

**CORPORAL TED :**   
Quinn, Stacy look. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Well done Ted, set course to the Dune-Look-A-Like planet. 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
At your orders, ma'am. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Hmm. I am curious. How many Daria fanfics are on the net? 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
There are 18'565. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
And Quinn fanfics? 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
Ehem..... One. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
EWW! And what is that for a story? 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
It is called: "To Get Her Together"   
_(reads from the screen)_   
When Quinn and Stacy become aware of their feeling to each other, they have to face the hostility and the bigotry of their environment, after they have confess their love to each other in front of their families... 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!   
THESE FILTHY SICK INTERNET PERVERTS!!!!! EWWW! I need a shower. 

_Quinn runs out the door._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
EEP! Yes Quinn, I need a shower too.   
_(Stacy follow Quinn out the door, she stops turn around and says to the crew)_   
In my room on the other side of the ship of course. 

_As soon both are gone. The Three J's eagerly place themselves in front of the monitor. The rest of the crew lock into the internet, except Ted. He sits aside, looking very puzzled._

**CORPORAL TED :**   
I don't understand this, how can somebody write a story about Quinn and Stacy falling in love with each other? They are both GIRLS!!! 


	7. PART 06: To avoid plagiarism

PART 06: To avoid plagiarism.

  
  
  
  
  


**PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE - EXT. THE SPACETANK - DESERT - NIGHT**   
_Three-NT is at Sleep Mode. J-Nine is asleep. Daria is still awake in front of a tiny fire. She is shivering, although she is zipped up. Tom approaches and offers her his tuxedo jacket._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Thank you. Now I can see how you freeze to dead. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
You always were very *polite*, Daria. Like in the last years by avoiding any contact with me. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(ashamed)_   
Oh... sorry Tom, it is just... it was so long ago... 

_Tom sits real close besides Daria._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Look, that bright, blue star, right there. That is planet Sloania. Which one is your star ? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Perhaps, one of the numerous Black Holes. I haven't got a star, I don't know, where I come from. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Couldn't you ask your parents Jake and Helen? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Not really. Actually I am an orphan. I was found in a refrigerator box on the doorsteps of the Morgendorffer Clan. Beside my diaper, the only thing I had with me was this. 

_She pulls a referee's whistle out from her t-shirt. It has got some unknown writing on it._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
What are these for symbols? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Probably pagan, by the way my life was till now. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Still it is kind of beautiful. You know you are still.. I mean… it is beautiful. 

_Tom looks Daria deep in her eyes. Daria puts the referee's whistle back in her t-shirt._

**DARIA STARR :**   
So, how come you have entered the ranks of the runaway grooms? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
I finally figured out, that my relationship with Brittany wasn't love... 

**DARIA STARR :**   
...yeah, it was lust. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Daria! You know how difficult it is to find someone popular, who is intelligent too. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Who you are telling that. 

**PRINCE TOM :**_(sights)_   
You are right. I mean, why should I run away from such a bride. Okay, I don't love her for her brain, but I could learn to love her. Why should I be told by my heart with whom I have to be together? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Damn right. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Yes. Love isn't that important. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Nah, never was. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Besides, what is love anyway? 

_(looks again at her)_

**DARIA STARR :**   
Just a bunch of hormones screwing up our lives. 

_(she blushes a bit)_

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Exactly! It is just physical contact… 

_(takes her hand)_

**DARIA STARR :**   
Yeah. 

_(she presses his hand)_

**PRINCE TOM :**   
... being hold... 

_(put his arm around her)_

**DARIA STARR :**   
Yeah. 

_(moves closer to him)_

**PRINCE TOM :**   
... being kissed... 

_Daria and Tom are at the verge to kiss. Suddenly an alarm goes off._

**J-NINE :**_ (half asleep)_   
Three-NT put that stupid "Virgin Alarm" off. I am over eighteen. 

_Three-NT wakes up, Tom and Daria immediately let go of each other._   
_Three-NT join them, he gives them both an "I can imagine, what you were up to" smirk._

**THREE-NT :**   
Hey Tom… Hey Daria! 

**DARIA AND TOM : **_(mutter)_   
Hey... Three-NT. What was that for a noise? 

**THREE-NT :**   
That was my "Shipper Alarm". It's programmed to go off before a relationship is getting too intense. 

**DARIA AND TOM :**   
A "Shipper Alarm"?!!! 

**THREE-NT :**   
Well, actually I wanted to have a new tattoo, but when I woke up in the morning after, I had this "Shipper Alarm" build in. 

_J-Nine joins them, she gives Daria and Tom an "I know, what you were up to" smirk._

**J-NINE :**   
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Living up the old day you two? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Don't "uhhh" me Lane. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
All right. Now, we are all awake, so we should start moving before dawn. 

**THREE-NT :**   
How long does it takes to the next city, Daria? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
According to my calculation, only a couple of hours on foot. 

**PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE - DESERT - AFTERNOON - BLAZING HOT SUN**   
_Three-NT is carrying an unconscious J-Nine. Tom is carrying an unconscious Daria._   
_Tom and Three-NT are very exhausted._

**THREE-NT :**   
Well, who can guess, that Daria's calculations were wrong. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Yes. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Especially, when you have approved her calculation after checking them. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
So I made mistakes too... Just one more dune to go. 

**THREE-NT : **_(sarcastic)_   
You said that three dunes ago. 

**PRINCE TOM :** _(stressed)_   
YES! 

**THREE-NT :**   
Sorry Tom, I always get cranky when my batteries are low. And they are now very low. Oh... I can't, I can't go, I can't go... any further. 

_Three-NT drops J-Nine and faints._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
It is all over now... only one last smart remark before we die...   
... ah, who cares, nobody is listening... 

_Tom drops Daria and then faints too._

_A while later._

**PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE - DESERT - LATE AFTERNOON**   
_Three shadows emerge in front of the unconscious lot._

**TEENAGE VOICE :**   
Huh? 

**CHILD VOICE :**   
Is it a mass grave yet? 

**MONOTONE VOICE :**   
On the contrary. They still show life signs. 

**CHILD VOICE :**   
That easily can be altered. 

**MONOTONE VOICE :**   
I have only got a bottle of drain cleaner with me. What about you? 

**TEENAGE VOICE :**   
Only a bottle of berry juice but it has fermented again. 

**MONOTONE VOICE :**   
Well, as all we know our past remarks were intended in jest and not as an incitement to any type of homicidal behavior. Let's put them on the pick-up hoover truck and bring them to the temple. 

**EXT. UNKNOWN TEMPLE - LATE AFTERNOON**   
_The three figures carry our four unconscious heroes into a secret portal, which is hidden in the sand._

**INT. UNKNOWN TEMPLE**   
_The three figures (they are dressed like Jedi Knights) give soda water to them. The temple is cool and shady. Soon one after the other wakes up._

**DARIA STARR :**   
... What... are you guys in the queue for the latest star wars movie? 

**J-NINE :**   
Cool outfit... you got names? 

**MONOTONE VOICE :**   
Luhrman. 

**TEENAGER VOICE :**   
Ethan. 

**CHILD VOICE :**   
Link. 

**LUHRMAN :**   
_(mumbles something)_

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Uhm. What did you say? 

**LUHRMAN :**   
Just a little pointless chitchat. Forget it. Would you like another soda? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Sure. Thank you all, for saving us and stuff. 

_They stay mute. Not very talkative folks._

**THREE-NT :**   
_(to Tom)_ ... cool guys... _(drinks his soda)_

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Well Luhrman, is that your first name or your last name? 

**LUHRMAN :**   
Does it matter? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
I have noticed you all seem a little bit... subdued. 

**LINK :**   
I was going to say miserable, but okay. 

**PRINCE TOM : **_(uncomfortable)_   
Well, what do you and your friends do in this place? 

**ETHAN, LINK AND LUHRMAN :**   
Friends? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I presume you are more comfort with the term: "people you happen to know". 

**ETHAN :** _(deadpan)_   
Whatever. Want to see our master? 

**DARIA STARR :** _(deadpan)_   
Do we have a choice? 

**J-NINE :**   
Daria, could it be, that we haved found at last the lost tribe in which you were born? 

**INT. UNKNOWN TEMPLE - GREAT HALL - DAY**   
_They follow them into a great hall, which resembles the "Temple of Doom" in "Indiana Jones 2"._   
_Soon Daria, J-Nine, Three-NT and Tom stand in front of a huge portal._   
_Suddenly a huge gong noise shatters the whole hall._

**DARIA, J-NINE, THREE-NT AND TOM:**   
EEP! 

**FEMALE VOICE :**   
Silence! Who dares to disturb the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting universal smartass: Amy. 

**DARIA, J-NINE, THREE-NT AND TOM:**   
Aunty Amy!!! 

_The huge portal opens up. A mature woman, who resembles Daria, dressed as a Jedi Knight, steps out._

**AMY :**   
You know me? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Know you... is their somebody, who doesn't know Aunty Amy? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Amy, the godlike Deus Ex Machina. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Amy Nemesis, the former lead singer of the "Radioactive Raisins". 

**J-NINE :**   
The Abruptly Amy. 

**AMY :**   
Please, please, don't make such a fuss about my name. Just simply call me: Professor Doctor Amy Cecilia Emily Barksdale. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
... very modest, I must say... But aren't you the keeper... 

**AMY :**   
Yes. I am the keeper of a great power, which is known through out the universe as.... 

**DARIA STARR :** _(smirks)_   
The Sarcasm. 

**AMY :**   
No. 

**J-NINE :**   
Ehem, the Schwartz ? 

**AMY :**   
Nope 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
The Force ? 

**AMY :**   
Nay. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Something totally unexpected whatever... 

**AMY :**   
You are right: It is...   
_(fanfare music)_ THE SALAMI ! 

**DARIA, J-NINE, THREE-NT AND TOM:** _(totally surprised)_   
The Salami ??????????? 

**AMY :**   
Yes. The Salami. 

_She shows them a ring which look likes Quinn's, it glitters with a golden aura while you can hear a chorus singing in the background._   
_Link comes up and makes a Polaroid photo of our four heroes, with their open mouths._

**LINK :** _(smirks)_   
May the Salami be with you. 

**AMY :**   
I just wanted to avoid plagiarism. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
… I'm seeing a lot of juvenile puns coming towards us.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. PART 07: Comb the desert!

**PART 07: Comb the desert!**

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**STARLETBALL CITY - INT. SANDI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT**   
_Sandi is jumping and bouncing on her bed in her pyjamas, while having headphones on. She is singing with close eyes into her comb as if it were a microphone ._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**_(imitating the voice of Christina Aguilera)_   
With the lights out it's less dangerous.   
Here we are now, entertain us.   
I feel stupid and contagious.   
A mulatto. An albino. A mosquito... 

_Tiffany suddenly appears on the videophone, Sandi isn't aware of her so she keeps on jumping and singing. Tiffany is stunned for a moment of Sandi singing something about mosquitoes._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
uhh... President Sandi. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Eep. TIFFANY! This is my private quarters!!! 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Sorry but it is urgent. Quinn and Stacy have lost prince Tom in the desert of the Dune-look-alike planet. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
That is *so* typical for Quinn. Tell her to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert! 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Ehem, comb the desert? 

_Sandi gives Tiffany one of her feared "don't dare me"-looks._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
At your orders, President Sandi. 

**PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE - DESERT - LATE AFTERNOON**   
_The Three Storm J's and other troopers are moving huge large combs across the desert. They are watches by Quinn and Stacy._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Quinn? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
What? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Isn't this a bit... silly? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Of course it is. This is *Sandi's* idea. But see it from the bright side: The boys look so *cute*, when they do such silly things. 

**COLONEL STACY :** _(smiles)_   
You are so right Quinn. 

**INT. UNKNOWN TEMPLE - GREAT HALL**   
_Amy is holding Daria's referee's whistle in her hands._

**DARIA STARR :**   
You can read it? 

**AMY :**   
Yes. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
What does it says? 

**AMY :**   
It says: "Made in South Korea". Voila: Your lifetime mystery has been solved. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
_(beat) _Oh...   
_(disappointed)_ Yeah. 

_(she puts the whistle back in her t-shirt)_

**AMY :**   
All right Daria, now I am giving you a crash course in the use of the Salami. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
What! Why me? 

**AMY :**   
You are something special. I can sense that the Salami is incredible strong in you, Daria. You can become a "triple-A" Salami Knight. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
So, I got supernatural mental powers... Amy, I have serious reservations of using something, which is called the Salami. 

**AMY :**   
Why not? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Well, isn't it kind of... unnatural? 

**AMY :**   
Do you eat hot dogs, Daria? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Yeah. 

**AMY :**   
Do you ever were thinking to use hot dogs to train real dogs to attack people? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Yeah. 

**AMY :**   
Well, then, you are already going to hell, so you might as well use the Salami to destroy your enemies. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(beat)_   
Okay, you have convinced me. I will become a Salami Knight. 

**AMY :**   
Good. Here, put this ring on. And feel the Salami. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(deadpan)_   
Eww. 

**AMY :**   
The Salami can enable you to shoot laserblasts, ignite a lasersaber and you even can use telekinetic abilities. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Aha... and can I use the Salami to travel through time, cross dimensions, rearrange atomic structures and get my video recorder programmed too? 

**AMY :**   
Perhaps Daria. You should *never* UNDERESTIMATE the power of the Salami.   
_(pause) _But the video programming you can knock out your head, I tried it, and it is futile.   
Okay. Concentrate. Feel the salami Daria. 

_Daria close her eyes and concentrates, her ring starts to glow green. Then a green lasersaber ignites._

**DARIA STARR :**   
I can't believe it. The Salami, it's working. So now you teach me to fight? 

**AMY :**   
Before I teach you, you have to fight my apprentices. Come in boys. 

_Ethan, Link and Luhrman enters. Amy walks to a CD-player and puts a disc in. Music plays: It is "Stayin' Alive" by "The Bee Gees"_

**DARIA, ETHAN, LINK AND LUHRMAN :**   
Eww. Gross!!! 

**AMY :**   
Sissies! At your age I was dancing to that. 

**DARIA, ETHAN, LINK AND LUHRMAN :** _(mumbling)_   
Violence readiness increasing music! 

**BEGIN MONTAGE SEQUENCE. MUSIC: "STAYIN' ALIVE" BY "THE BEE GEES"**

_First Ethan challenges Daria. Both ignite their lasersabers. Ethan's lasersaber is blue. They start fighting. Daria is first defensive, but she learns fast. Soon she attacks Ethan. She is a real nature talent. Soon Ethan falls on the floor and Daria is pointing at his head with her lasersaber._

**ETHAN :**   
You have won. I'm going back to bed. 

_Then comes Luhrman. Luhrman's lasersaber is dark blue. First, it is a lasersaber fight like before, but then he starts firing several laserblast at her during the fight. Daria can avoid being hit. Daria starts firing back. The duel continues, Daria is fighting calculated and calm, until Luhrman falls on the floor and Daria is pointing at his head with her lasersaber_

**LUHRMAN :**   
She is really very good. 

_At last Link, he stares at her a couple of seconds until Daria decides to attack. Suddenly several dodge balls, which were lying behind him on the floor fly into the air and move rapidly towards her. She gets hit, falls down. Link's lasersaber is purple. Link attacks with a lasersaber-laserblast combination. Daria manage to get up again, bitter fighting begins. Link telekinetic powers with the flying dodge balls make it very difficult for Daria. Soon she falls on the floor and Link is pointing at her head with his lasersaber. Daria closes her eyes and concentrates. Some dodge balls, which were under control of Link, now move towards him. He gets hit and falls down, now Daria is pointing a lasersaber at Link's head._

**LINK :**   
I give up. I bet now your life is one big bowl of cherries. 

**END MONTAGE SEQUENCE.**

**DARIA STARR :**_(exhausted)_   
At last… finally… I couldn't stand that music anymore . 

**AMY :**   
Your training is not finish yet, Daria. 

_Amy ignites her lasersaber. Her lasersaber is green too. Before she walks up to Daria she puts a new disk in. Music plays: It is "Honey, Honey" by "ABBA"_

**DARIA STARR :**   
Aaaaargghhhhhh ! 


	9. PART 08: I hate Amy

PART 08: I hate Amy.

  
  
  
  
  


**EXT. SALAMI TEMPLE - NIGHT**   
_Quinn and Stacy are standing next to the secret portal, which they can't see because it is covered with sand._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Quinn we can't find them. We have searched everywhere. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Wait. I feel the presence of... the Salami! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Eep! 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
And it's coming... _(she holds her ring and points it at Stacy)_

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Eww! _(she jumps aside)_

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
...from somewhere down here. Tom must be in there too. 

**COLONEL STACY :** _(sweeps the sand away)_   
Quinn you are right. Here is a secret entrance. Look these symbols: An "A", a "M" and a "Y". 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
"A", "M", "Y" ? Amy? Amy!!! Eww, I *hate* Amy.   
One time she was on a weekend in Paris and she brought back for me only a *lousy* T-shirt. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
I'll order the Storm J's to attack. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
No, we can't go in there. Amy got the Salami. She is much too powerful. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
But, Quinn, your ring. Don't you have the Salami too? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
No, she got the up-end. I got the down-end. You see, *each* Salami has got two ends. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Of course... But how can we get prince Tom out? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(she smirks and holds up her ring)_   
We will not have to get him out. Prince Tom will come out to us. 

**INT. SALAMI TEMPLE - NIGHT**   
_Tom is sleeping in a bed. Three-NT is at Sleep Mode on the sofa in front of the TV._

**"DARIA'S" VOICE : **_(seductive)_   
Tom! Tom, wake up my little prince. 

**PRINCE TOM : **_(wakes up)_   
Daria? 

**"DARIA'S" VOICE :**   
Tom. Come to me. I am feeling *so* alone. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Hmm?... Okay _(walks out the door)_

**"DARIA'S" VOICE :**   
Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me. 

**THREE-NT :** _(his "Shipper Alarm" goes on, he wakes up)_   
Daria? Tom? 

**EXT. THE SALAMI TEMPLE - NIGHT**   
_The secret door of the Salami Temple opens and Tom steps out. He sees "Daria". She is standing outside in the desert. She is wearing a thin silky white night gown. (That kind of nightgown, which are up to 80% transparent, when you look at them against the moonlight.)_

**"DARIA" :**   
Tom, come to me. Don't be shy. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Wow, Daria you look so... awesome. 

**"DARIA" : **_(cheeky)_   
Come and watch the stars with me. 

_Tom stares at the transparency of her nightgown ._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Oh Daria you ... ehem. Daria I don't want to appear paranoid, but is there the possibility, that you are actually a holographic vision, which should lure me into a diabolical trap? 

**"DARIA" : **_(innocent)_   
No. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Okay then... _(he smiles and runs towards "Daria")_

_Three-NT walks out the portal and takes a close look on "Daria"._

**THREE-NT :**   
No Tom, she is a fraud, she… Whoa, she looks so hot. 

_Out of the dark, Tom and Three-NT get shot by the Storm J's with stun guns. Both faint at once. The "Daria" fraud transforms with her ring back into Quinn._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha. Stacy! Take them into custody. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Yes, Quinn. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(evil smirking)_   
And now, Tom is all mine. 

**EXT. DESERT - NIGHT**   
_Daria, J-Nine and Amy just get out the secret portal. They are followed by the Salami Knights. But they are too late, they see how Starletball One takes off into space._

**J-NINE :**   
Oh noooo Three-NT !!!!!!! 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Oh nooooooo Tom !!!!!!!!!!!... Well, I mean he is worth two million Stardollars. 

**EXT. DESERT - THE SPACETANK - MORNING**   
_Daria and J-Nine are back at the Spacetank. Amy and the Salami Knights brought them there with the pick-up hoover truck. They are about to say farewell._

**J-NINE :**   
Hurry up. I'm a survivor, but I'm not so sure about the two guys. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Thanks for the gas, Amy. I wonder, if we will we ever see each other again? 

**AMY :**   
Who knows.   
If the fanfictionauthor Ace Trax is willing, we will all meet again in Cynicballs Episode XII:   
"The Search for the Episodes ONE to TEN." 

**DARIA STARR : **_(sights)_   
Goodbye, Amy. 

**AMY :**   
Goodbye you two. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(to the Salami Knights)_   
Bye guys. I will cherish the Salami training I had with you. 

**LINK :**   
You don't use to buddy up to people, who never asked to be born. 

**LUHRMAN :**   
Oh sure, leave me to the dogs. 

**ETHAN :**   
Whatever. 

**AMY :**   
Still cranky because she defeated you in a roll on her first training? Get over it my little riders of the apocalypse. You are still first class fighters. 

**J-NINE :**   
I want to add, that I had never seen boys before, who can handle their Salamis *so* good. 

_J-Nine gives each Salami Knight a peck. They blush. They blush even more after J-Nine made a quick Polaroid shot of them blushing._

**J-NINE : **_(smirks)_   
May the Salami be with you. 

**DARIA STARR : **_(roll eyes and mutters to herself)_   
Technically seen, she is a half-bitch. 

_The Spacetank takes off into space, while Amy and the Salami Knights wave good bye._


	10. PART 09: You are in my clutches

PART 09: You are in my clutches...

  
  
  
  
  


**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - QUINN'S ROOM - SPACE**

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
So Prince Tom. At last, you are in my clutches and I can do with you whatever I pleasure. 

_She is playing with a bunch of Barbie dolls, who resembles Quinn, Tom, Daria, J-Nine and Three-NT._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
_(imitating Tom) _No. No, please! Leave me alone.   
_(own voice) _No, you are mine.   
_(imitating Daria ) _Hang on, Quinn.   
_(own voice)_ Daria Starr!   
_(imitating Daria ) _I am using my sarcasm to bring you down.   
_(own voice) _You got no chance, Daria. I have got the powers of the Salami. Prepare to die.   
_(imitating Daria ) _Oh, ah, uhh. Ahhh!   
_(imitating J-Nine) _Hey Daria, having a nap?   
_(own voice) _Why don't you join her.   
_(imitating J-Nine)_ Oh, ahhh!   
_(own voice) _And you too Three-NT.   
_(imitating Three-NT)_ Hey Daria's sister, you look so hot when you are angry.   
_(own voice)_ Really? Well then I forgive you. Guards! Take him away I deal with him later...   
And now, Prince Tom, at last we are alone.   
_(imitating Tom) _No, no. Leave me alone...Yet, I find you strangely attractive.   
_(own voice) _Of course you do. Nobody can resist my beauty, and you know it.   
_(imitating Tom) _No, never! Leave me alone.   
_(own voice) _Why don't you just place your lips against mine, Tom.   
_(imitating Tom) _No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, oh, OH, smooch, ah, ahhh, ahhhhhhhhhh.   
Oh Quinn, I will love you until the end of my life.   
_(own voice) _Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! 

_Unexpected the door gets open by Stacy._

**COLONEL STACY : **Quinn! 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(hiding her Barbie dolls)_   
Gah! Dammit! What? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Prince Tom is ready for interrogation. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Yes... Did you see anything? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
No. I didn't see you playing with your Barbie dolls again. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Right. 

**INT. STARLETBALL ONE - INTERROGATION ROOM - SPACE**   
_Tom is strapped on a table. Quinn and Stacy are standing beside him._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
So prince Tom. At last, you are in my clutches and I can do with you whatever I pleasure. 

_She runs her fingernails over his chest._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Well, you can have my body, but you never have my love... 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Well Tom... Body? EEEWWWWWWWWW... I do the body thing only after at least 15 dates. And the love thing…EWW That is typical man. Can't you just admire my beauty, you... hormondriven sexpossessed perverted mind.   
_(outraged) _Good Heavens. Can't you tame yourself Tom? EWW I have to take a shower. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Me too Quinn ..._(to Tom)_ in my room on the other side of the ship. 

_Quinn and Stacy walk out._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
There are still a lot of things, I have to learn about girls. 

**PLANET STARLETBALL - STARLETBALL CITY - INT. SANDI'S BATHROOM - NIGHT**   
_Sandi is standing in front of the toilet mirror. Her blouse is half open. She is stuffing toilet paper in her bra. Suddenly, Commanderette Tiffany appears on the videophone in front of her._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Hail! President.…..Sandi? 

**PRESIDENT SANDI : **_(closes her blouse)_   
Ahh. TIFFANY!!! 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY : **_(Pretending she didn't see anything. )_   
Uhhhhhhm. Quinn and Stacy have returned with Prince Tom. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Good, bring him to the operation room. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Yes, Sandi. 

_Sandi turns around. She realizes, that all the time paper was looking out her blouse. Behind her Tiffany is smirking widely and then disappears off the videophone._

**INT. OPERATION ROOM - NIGHT**   
_Sandi, Tiffany, Quinn and Stacy are present. Tom is strapped on a table. Dr. Barch and her assistant O'Niell are packing out a lot of knifes and scalpels. The videophone shows the Sloan family looking at the scene with horror (well...except Elsie)._

**DOCTOR BARCH :**   
Permit me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Janet Barch. Specialist in the field of plastic surgery. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
Stop this farce at once. It is the ozone you want. I just wonder how far you would decline from civilized man to get this substance. 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
Don't harm my little sunshine. Please. 

**ASSISTANT O'NIELL :**   
There is no need to be worried. Janet is such a capacity in the beauty operation industry. She instinctly knows how to perfect mother natures little wonders. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
See, it's not what you think. We will make him more popular. If you don't give us the combination to the planetary force field, Dr. Barch will turn the face of Tom into... 

_Mr. O'Niell holds up picture showing one of the most ugliest live forms of the universe: "Robbie Williams" a former singer of that awfully irritating boy band "Take That"._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Nooooooooooooooooooo. Have you got no humanity in you? 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
Angier tell them, tell them. 

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
No, dad, no. You mustn't. He will look different. But he will be the same Tom. Then after all: 

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. "   
" We only see clearly with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eyes." 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Elsie! This is not the time to apply the philosophy of "Le Petit Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. _(hysteric) _I am going look like that ogre Robbie Williams!!! Dad please. Daddy!!!!!! 

**KING ANGIER :**   
All right, I will tell. I will tell. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Told you it would work. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
What a pity, Robbie is kind of cute...in a superficial shallow way. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
I transmit you the combination of the planetary force field. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Combinaaaaaation received. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Thank you. As soon we get the ozone, we set your son free. Tiffany prepare Starletball One for immediate departure. Quinn, bring Tom back to prison. Stacy turn the videophone off. 

_Stacy takes a remote control and presses a button._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Stacy what have you done?   
  
  
Well Sandi, I put out the videophone.   
  


...ohhh Timothy...   
...ohhh Janet... 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Eww, you put out the whole fanfiction.   
  
  
  
This is sooooo odd.....   
  
  


...Ohhhhhhhh Timothy...   
...Ohhhhhhhh Janet... 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


What are those for noises?   
  
  
Sorry must been the wrong button.   
  


...OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Timothy...   
...OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Janet... 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Give me that remote control.   
  
  
Who is making that moaning?   


_The Fashion Club sees Barch and O'Niell in a VERY delicate position._

**THE FASHION CLUB :**   
EWWWWWWW!!! 


	11. PART 10: Ready, Kafka?

PART 10: Ready, Kafka?

  
  
  
  
  


**STARLETBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON COMPLEX - NIGHT**   
_The Spacetank lands. The door opens and Daria and J-Nine step out. J-Nine has a Stick-modified 2000, the finest glue gun on the market, in her hand. She is holding it like a gun against Daria, who is handcuffed to her. Brooke, the prison guard comes to them._

**PRISON GUARD BROOKE :**   
Halt! _(cocks gun)_   
Where are you going? 

**J-NINE :**   
I am a bounty hunter. I am taking this individual into custody. 

**PRISON GUARD BROOKE :**   
Why? 

**J-NINE :**   
Can't you see? 

_Brooke takes a close look at Daria._

**PRISON GUARD BROOKE :**   
OHMIGAWD. That… that creature has broken every single fashion law in the book. Quick! Take her away. 

_Daria and J-Nine walk into the prison._

**STARLETBALL CITY - INT. PRISON COMPLEX - NIGHT**   
_J-Nine takes of the handcuffs of Daria._

**J-NINE :**   
Well Daria, on this planet you are a true criminal. Public Enemy Numero Uno. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
At last I found a place, which I can call home. 

**INT. PRISON COMPLEX - ROYAL PRISONERS SECTION - NIGHT**   
_Daria and J-Nine walk down the doorway. Looking in each cell trough the eye slot._

**J-NINE :**   
Why they didn't put Tom and Three-NT into the Psychopath Prisoners Section? That would make the search more interesting. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Shhht. J-Nine. Listen. 

_They hear music... rock music on guitar and singing._

**TOM'S VOICE : **_(imitating Elvis)_   
"...let's Rock..." 

**J-NINE :**   
It's coming from this door. 

**TOM'S VOICE :**   
"...everybody let's Rock..." 

**DARIA AND J-NINE :**   
Jail House Rock.?! 

_Both look trough the eye slot. They find Tom singing and Three-NT guitar playing._

**DARIA STARR : **_(angry)_   
Typical for these guys. We risk our lives to save them and they live out their artistic side. 

_Suddenly a ventilation shaft opens. Tom and Three-NT come out._

**THREE-NT :**   
Hey. Daria and Janey. 

**J-NINE :**   
But... who is in the cell? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
They are holograms to fool the guards. 

**THREE-NT :**   
That was Tom's idea, but no time to talk. Let's beat it. 

**J-NINE :**   
Yeah, Daria. Typical for them to live out their artistic side. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Yeah, and again Daria was judging people's behavior by a pretty rigid set of standards. 

**STARLETBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON COMPLEX - NIGHT**   
_Daria, J-Nine, Three-NT and Tom walk out._

**J-NINE :**   
This is too easy. 

**PRISON GUARD BROOKE :**   
Freeze! _(cocks gun)_

**J-NINE :**   
I said so. 

_They manage to overwhelm Brooke and take her laser gun. Then they run to the Spacetank._   
_Meanwhile alarm sirens go on. A bunker door opens and 21 prison guards storm out._   
_They are shooting at Daria, J-Nine, Three-NT and Tom, who are hiding behind a wall. The air is filled with laser blasts._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
We're trapped! That is the only way to the Spacetank. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Cool, like in the movies. 

**J-NINE :**   
Yeah, we should wait for the end of the film, so we can leave through the exit. 

_Daria takes the laser gun, they have obtained from Brooke before._

**DARIA STARR : **_(imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger)_   
Hasta La Vista, Babies. _(cocks gun)_

_Daria walks from the cover toward the guards and starts a steady firing._   
_Each shot is a hit and each guard fall down one after the other. Soon 21 bodies cover the floor._

**J-NINE, THREE-NT AND TOM : **_(amazed)_   
Holy Mother of Johosephat... 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I used the stun mode... honestly. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Good one Daria. Where do you have learned shooting? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
From the computer game "Cannibal Frag Fest" on CD-ROM. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Hey, doesn't that game only runs under Windows ? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Ups, you have got me. I was tempted by the forces of evil. 

**J-NINE :**   
Monopolized computer violence shaping the reality. Goya would have loved that. 

**ORBIT OF PLANET SLOANIA - EXT. STARLETBALL ONE - SPACE**   
_Starletball One is nearing planet Sloania._

**ORBIT OF PLANET SLOANIA - INT. STARLETBALL ONE - BRIDGE**   
_Sandi enters the bridge. All stand up and salute._

**ALL :**   
Hail, President Sandi. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
I hail myself. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
We have arrived at planet Sloania. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Ah, planet Sloania, with ten thousand years of ozone. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**_(whispering to Tiffany and Stacy)_   
The way *she* rules, it last not a hundred. 

_Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy snicker._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
What? 

_Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy shrug._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
We are beginning noooooow with metamorphosis. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Ready, Kafka? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Kafka? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eep! 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Isn't that a dead European writer weirdo, Quinn? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww, I admit it. Years ago I was at home, grounded, bored. So I just looked in that book of my s...cousin.   
And it was about metamorphosis and... Eww, stop taunting me... 

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT - ORBIT OF SLOANIA - SPACE**   
_Daria, J-Nine, Tom and Three-NT watch how Starletball One transforms itself in front of their eyes._

**THREE-NT :**   
Cool. It's not just a spaceship. It's a transformer. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
A transformer? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Yeah, remember "Transformers: More than meets the eye." _(chuckles-coughs) _They don't make cartoons like that anymore. 

_Daria, J-Nine and Tom start pondering about that, what Three-NT just said._

**THREE-NT : **_(mutters)_   
I am feeling so old. 

**J-NINE :**   
Hey, it's changing into...a gigantic… mall? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Why am I not surprised. 

**INT. MEGA MALL - ORBIT OF SLOANIA - BRIDGE**   
_Proud the Fashion Club and the crew witness this majestic moment on the screen._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Metamorphoses is completed. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Starletball One has become: _(fanfare sounds)_ ...Mega Mall. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Let's shop, till we drop. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Yes, but first: Commence "Operation Suck Ozone". 

**EXT. MEGA MALL - ORBIT OF SLOANIA - SPACE**   
_Huge hoses drive out from the Mall into the atmosphere. The whole thing now resembles an enormous squid._

**INT. MEGA MALL - ORBIT OF SLOANIA - SPACE**

**THE FASHION CLUB:**   
Suck. Suck. Suck. 

**PLANET SLOANIA - INT. THE SLOAN PALACE - DAY**   
_The Sloane Family is behind a window._

**KING ANGIER :**   
Have a last look outside, we will never see daylight again. 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
We must spend the rest of our lives in the dark. 

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
Well I see it as an opportunity. We can now transmogrify into vampires. 


	12. PART 11: The circle is complete

PART 11: The circle is complete.

  
  
  
  


**EXT. MEGA MALL - ORBIT OF SLOANIA - SPACE**   
_The Spacetank flies into the Mega Mall and lands in the underground parking lot._

**INT. MEGA MALL - UNDERGROUND PARKING SECTION - SPACE**   
_The Spacetank lands. Daria, J-Nine, Three-NT and Tom get out._

**J-NINE :**   
I got a plan:   
Step One: We press the reverse-button of the ozone vacuum and blow the ozone back.   
Step Two: We press the self-destruct button of the Mega Mall. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
And Step Three? 

**J-NINE :**   
Step Three: There is *NO* Step Three. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
And how can we manage all that? 

**J-NINE :**   
Well, that is the weak point of my plan. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Whoa... check out this huge machine. 

_Three-NT points at huge machine, packed with a lot of pipes signed. "Ozone Vacuum"._

**INT. MEGA MALL - ORBIT OF SLOANIA - BRIDGE**   
_On the bridge the computers start to beep like mad._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Quinn, what's going on? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Tiffany, what's going on? 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Staaaaaacy, what's going on? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
It's "Ozone Vacuum". It doesn't sucks anymore, it... blows now. 

**SANDI AND QUINN :**   
Eeeeeeeeeewwwwww!!!!!!!!!!! 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Is that baaaaaad??? 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
They're getting all the ozone back! Quinn do something. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Tiffany do something. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Staaaaaacy do something. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
I will take a shower. 

**INT. MEGA MALL - UNDERGROUND PARKING SECTION - SPACE**   
_Daria and J-Nine are pressing the buttons of the "Ozone Vacuum" like mad. Tom is at a "Mega Mall Information Terminal", while Three-NT is smashing a door in with a fire axe._

**J-NINE :**   
Bingo. It worked by simply pressing all shiny red buttons at once. 

**PRINCE TOM :**_(looks up from the information terminal monitor)_   
I have located the "Self-Destruct button". It is at the "Central Computer Core". 

**DARIA STARR :**   
How long does it takes to get there? 

**PRINCE TOM :** _(looks at the information terminal monitor)_   
Approximately 3 minutes, but on the way there, we have to first break 15 doors open. Three-NT, how long it does it take? 

**THREE-NT :**   
One minute for each door. 

**J-NINE :**   
Yeah! It is door-smashing time. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Cool. Rage against the machine. Yeah. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
But that means we need 18 minutes to get there! And we have to act fast, before the Starletballs send in a repair team. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Well, this ventilation shaft is the quickest way to the "Central Computer Core". But there is a problem, the shaft is too narrow, none of us can fit in it...well accept… 

_Tom, J-Nine and Three-NT look at Daria._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Curses to my DNA-structure. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Be careful. 

**THREE-NT :**   
And remember Daria we are behind you... 

**J-NINE :**   
...far behind you. 

_Daria sights and crawls into the ventilation shaft._

**PLANET SLOANIA - INT. THE SLOAN PALACE - CELLAR**   
_The Sloane Family is in the cellar observing a personal computer._

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
Look! The ozone level reaches again normal parameters. 

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
Fine. Now I can eat garlic bread again. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
What a pity. I just completed a new business plan, which enables our planet to become a new holiday destination for the Goth cult. 

**INT. MEGA MALL - CENTRAL COMPUTER CORE**   
_Daria climes out of the ventilation shaft. She looks around at all the computers and spots a specially signed self-destruct button._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Who said Murphy's Laws are universal? 

_Daria walks to the self-destruct button. Suddenly a familiar voice speaks to her._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Not so fast, Daria. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
So Quinn, we meet again. The circle is complete, when you left me, I was the brain and you were the brat.   
And now *I* am still the brain and you ... 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Bla, bla, bla... who cares. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
There is something you should know about us Quinn:   
_(ominous music builds up)_   
" * I * AM YOUR SISTER ! " 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
So? I know that already, you don't have to tell me it again. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I wasn't talking to you, I was speaking to the ships intercom, which I just have left on. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(realizing that the whole crew of the ship had heard the truth)_   
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! 

**INT. MEGA MALL - BRIDGE**

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
I hope this stops Quinn's stupid charade for *good*. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
I would never have denied Daria, if she were my sister. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Yes, Quinn was soooooo mean to her over all these years. 

**INT. MEGA MALL - EXT. CENTRAL COMPUTER CORE - SPACE**   
_Quinn is desperate. She kneels on the floor and starts sobbing._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Quinn, you don't have to care about fashion, boys and popularity. If you only knew the POWER of sarcasm and depth.   
Join me! We as sisters then can destroy this well-liked teeny crap and you will never be known as a shallow superficial brat again. _(holds out a hand to help Quinn up)_   
Come with me. It is unavoidable, it is your destiny! 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
No, never. The Salami is strong with you, Daria. But you are not as good as me. I challenge you to a fair "Salami Fight" by the rules. 

**DARIA STARR : **_(sinister)_   
If you will not be turned, you will be humiliated. 

_Quinn ignites her Salami ring. A pink light appears, creating a pink lasersaber._   
_Daria does the same with her green lasersaber._   
_Both look at their Salami lasersabers, seeing that they got the same size._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww, not that you have got the Salami too, yours is as big as mine, that is not fair. But I can handle my Salami better than you your Salami. I was practicing more than you with my Salami, in every free minute over the last years… 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Quinn... the ships intercom is still on. 

**INT. MEGA MALL - BRIDGE**   
_The whole crew is laughing their lungs out. Well, except Ted Devitt-Clinton, who doesn't get it._

**VOICE OF MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! 

**VOICE OF DARIA STARR :**   
I told you, you will be humiliated. 


	13. PART 12: Selfdestruction!

PART 12: Self-destruction!

  
  
  
  


**INT. MEGA MALL - EXT. CENTRAL COMPUTER CORE - SPACE**   
_An epic fight between Daria and Quinn begins. They start with a fierce laserblast-lasersaber duel. The opponents use telekinetics to smash each other with monitors, computers, trashcans...etc. Finally Daria manage to take the action. Quinn is having more and more problems to counter attack. Finally Quinn falls to the ground and Daria accidentally swipes Quinn's right hand that is holding the Salami ring…_   
_..._   
_...But it doesn't make a harm, not even a mark to Quinn's arm. Daria attacks again and again. But Quinn's black suit seems to be lasersaber proofed._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
My suit is specially designed out Jupiter-Monolitium-Fiber. Not that it protects me from laser attacks... it gives a *nice* shine too. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Then how about this attack? 

_Daria kicks Quinn with her Doctor Marten's Boots._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww, that's gonna leave a mark... you are death!!! 

_Quinn jumps toward Daria and starts punching her. An unepic catfight begins._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Ewww ARGggg.! 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Brain ! 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Brat ! 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Brain ! 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Brat ! 

_Suddenly the three Storm J's appear with heavy laser guns pointing towards Daria. Daria is stunned and Quinn uses the opportunity to take off Daria's Salami ring._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Hey, you told me this should be a fair "Salami Fight" by the rules. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN : **_(smiles)_   
Well some rules were meant to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange top...   
So, Daria, Amy has taught you well, but now you see why the popular will always win. We do make compromises... 

**DARIA STARR : **_(to herself)_   
I got an idea: I use the Salami. 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Use the Salami, Daria Starr. Use the Salami. 

**DARIA STARR : **_(to Amy's voice)_   
Hey, I just said that. 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Yes, but my voice is more impressive, it has more resonance. 

**DARIA STARR : **_(to Amy's voice)_   
Yeah, but back to business. I lost the ring. 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Forget the ring, I found it in a breakfast cereal box. The Salami is in you, Daria Starr. It's in you. 

**DARIA STARR : **_(to Amy's voice)_   
And I always thought, it was the way my string-tanga was cut. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Okay boys, watch how I finish off my ungrateful cousin of mine. 

_Quinn's ring starts to glow. She fires a pink beam at Daria. Daria close her eyes and divert the beam toward the three Storm J's behind Quinn. After they get hit, they fall over Quinn burring her with their three unconscious bodies. Quinn cannot move anymore._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww! _(tries to push them away)_ Get your big, sweaty bodies off of me! This is not a slow dance. 

_The door gets opened by a fire axe and J-Nine, Three-NT and Tom rush in._

**THREE-NT : **_(looks at Quinn under the 3 J's)_   
Good one Daria's sister. (laugh-cough) 

**J-NINE :** _(looks at Quinn under the 3 J's)_   
DARIA! Quinn allows you to watch? Your family is really very liberal. 

**PRINCE TOM : **_(looks at Quinn under the 3 J's and then he imitates Quinn's Voice)_   
Good Heavens. Can't you tame yourself Quinn? EWW! I have to take a shower 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Quinn always knows how to get the full attention.   
_(she presses the self-destruct button)_ Okay, let's get back to the Spacetank. 

**SHIP'S VOICE :**   
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in 3 minutes. 

**INT. MEGA MALL - BRIDGE**   
_An alarm goes off and red lights are flashing everywhere._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
What is going on? Did some one hit the casino jackpot? 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Eep, oh no, I have forgotten to pay a CD. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Noooooo, This is techno music. _(Tiffany starts dancing)_

**SHIP'S VOICE :**   
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
EEP! 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY : **_(still dancing)_   
What for a straaaaaange song text. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Self-destruction! We have to stop it. 

**COLONEL STACY :** _(gasping)_   
We can't stop it. It's irreversible. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Hey...like my raincoat. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI : **_(into a microphone)_   
Attention. This is *President* Sandi speaking. The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship. All personnel, proceed to escape pods. This is not an exercise. I repeat abandon ship. 

_The whole crew on the ship starts to panic and run like crazy._

**SHIP'S VOICE :**   
This is your two minute warning. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Oh, Sandi you are so calm and professional ... Sandi? 

_Stacy realize she is the only one left on the bridge. She panics and runs to the escape pods section._

**INT. MEGA MALL - ESCAPE POD SECTION**   
_Tiffany looks in a pod and seeing Jodie and Mack making out._

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Uhh... what are you doing? 

**LEUTENANT JODIE :**_(blushes)_   
We are... we are... 

**LEUTENANT MACK :**   
...still fixing the beaming device. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Ahem... good. Then keep up the good work. 

_Jodie and Mack wave Tiffany good bye. The pod door closes and takes off into space._

_Stacy arrived at the escape pods. She looks in a pod, seeing Ted with a lot of boxes._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Is there any room for me, Ted? 

**CORPORAL TED :**   
I am sorry Stacy. I need every square-inch for my chewing gum. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Oh... I understand Ted. 

_Ted gives Stacy a farewell handshake. The pod door closes and takes off into space._

**COLONEL STACY : **_(wining)_   
But why? Is it something I said? Something I wore?   
Oh, I wish I were dead... well in some seconds I will be dead anyway.   
_(angry and shouting) _TED! you computer crazed geek!!! I am through with YOU!!! 

_Quinn passes by and heads straight to her own special pastel pink escape pod ._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Boys, I hope you still got some *space* for me left… 

_Quinn looks into a pod, seeing the Three Storm J's worshipping a girl. It is: ANDREA !_

**JOEY :**   
Here Andrea, I got you a drink with crushed ice. 

**JEFFY :**   
Here are some twisty crackers, Andrea. 

**JAMIE :**   
Andrea. Allow me to just admire your beauty. 

_Andrea gives Quinn a "Mona Lisa smile". The pod door closes and takes off into space._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww! 

_Quinn Stacy and Tiffany look around. All escape pods have launched. Sandi walks up to them._

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
All right. There is only the presidential escape pod left. And *I* am the president. Well have a good time you three. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Ughh! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Argh! 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Sandi! The presidential escape pod has got enough space for all of us. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI : **_(sights)_   
All right, but you three have to sleep on the *sofa*. 

_The door of the presidential escape pod opens and reveals Upchuck._   
_He is lying on the bed, wearing a dressing gown like Hugh Haffner and is shamelessly revealing his sock-suspender belts._

**THE FASHION CLUB :**   
Upchuck!!!!! 

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
Grrrrrr Feisty! I can't wait to spend the next days, weeks and months in space with the fourrrrrr most gorgeous ladies the galaxy have everrrrrr seen. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Get out. 

**SERGEANT UPCHUCK :**   
No way. I have rrrrrreprogramm the pod computer only to listen to MY voice commands. So you can either can live with me, or you can die in space. It is your decision. 

_Sandi turns around and looks at the Fashion club. Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy nod to her. Sandi turns back and put her hand on a switch. The door closes and the presidential escape pod takes off._

**UPCHUCK'S VOICE :**   
Noooooo... Why didn't I just hide inside the closet? 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
You have chosen well, Sandi. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
So, we are all going to die now. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Yes. But it's Upchuck's fault... he gave us no other choice. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Upchuck? Eww... 


	14. PART 13: Where have you been?

PART 13: Where have you been?

  
  
  
  


**INT. MEGA MALL - UNDERGROUND PARKING SECTION - SPACE**   
_Daria, J-Nine, Three-NT and Tom arrive at the Spacetank. They board immediately._

**SHIP'S VOICE :**   
This ship will self destruct in 20 seconds. 

**INT. MEGA MALL - ORBIT OF SLOANIA - ESCAPE POD SECTION**   
_The Fashion Club members are in a group hug, they are confessing their friendship to each other in their last remaining seconds._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Oh, Sandi please forgive me. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
No, Quinn please forgive me. 

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
But I was so bitchy.... 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
No, I was so bitchy. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
You both were bitchy. 

**QUINN AND SANDI :**   
Yeah... hey!...You are right Tiffany. 

**SHIP'S VOICE :**   
This ship will self destruct in 10 seconds. 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
At last it is proofed: We are all the best friends. 

_All smile at Stacy..._

**SHIP'S VOICE :**   
...7, 6, 5... 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
I am so happy... 

_...but then Stacy face frowns._

**COLONEL STACY :**   
…I am so happy, that I can remember, I had a "Self-Destruction-Cancellation-Button" build in. 

**QUINN AND SANDI :**   
STACY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**SHIP'S VOICE :**   
... 2, 1. Have a nice day. 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
You are soooo... 

**EXT. MEGA MALL - SPACE**   
_Only at a nick of time, the Spacetank dashes out just before the Mega Mall explodes._   
_And then the whole Mega Mall blast into a million pieces and wreckages flying into all directions._

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT**   
_Our heroes start cheering. J-Nine hugs Three-NT. Daria hugs Tom, they both look into their eyes move their lips closer... and then let go of each other._   
_Soon they hear a familiar voice on the television. They watch the screen._

**VOICE OF SICK SAD CONTINUUM ANNOUNCER :**   
The true reason of spectacular arrestment of Li the "Angel" and with it the destruction of the Lawndale Syndicate, is revealed tonight. It was a chocolate meteorite storm of unknown origin. Next, on "Sick Sad Continuum". 

**THREE-NT :**   
Raspberry favor... Delicious. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Now you don't have to pay them. You can keep the money for yourselves. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(mutters)_   
Yeah. 

**J-NINE :**   
Now, I finally can rent Brad Pitt. 

**PLANET SLOANIA - EXT. THE SLOAN PALACE - DAY**   
_The Spacetank lands in front of the palace. Tom's family is already waiting for them._

**KING ANGIER :** _(hugs Tom)_   
Oh Tom. 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**_(hugs Tom)_   
Oh Tom, my little sunshine. 

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
Oh, Tom. _(yawns) _Where have you been? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Well, may I introduce you to my friends. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
Thanks a million for saving him and our planet. 

**J-NINE :**   
Two million... in bar. No checks. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Hey, shouldn't I get something too? 

_Brittany storms out the palace directly to Tom._

**PRINCESS BRITTANY :**   
Oh Tom! At last you have found our wedding ring. 

_Brittany embraces Tom and gives him a wet passionate tongue kiss in front all the people._

**THREE-NT :**   
It's not bad to be the prince. 

_Brittany still is kissing Tom. Daria looks at them, she can't tell if Tom is enjoying it._   
_She turns to J-Nine._

**DARIA STARR :**   
Let's collect the cash and beat it 

**J-NINE :**   
Shouldn't we stay for the wed... _(she sees the sadness Daria's face)_ …Okay. 

**EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE**   
_Music: "Fly Away" by "Lenny Kravitz"._   
_The Spacetank is flying into space away from planet Sloania._

**EXT. MOM'S DINER - SPACE**   
_The Mom's Diner is a space station with a landing platform. Daria and J-Nine are walking from their parked Spacetank into the diner._

**INT. MOM'S DINER - SPACE**   
_Waitress Sue is serving Daria and J-Nine at the bar._

**SUE THE WAITRESS :**_ (to J-Nine)_   
Okay that is a chicken with fries. _(to Daria) _And you? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Dry toast and tea, please. 

**SUE THE WAITRESS :**   
I thought you looked depressed. Love sick, hmm? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I thought you were a waitress and not a shrink, HMM? 

**SUE THE WAITRESS :**   
You got a mouth on you, ever thought of becoming a waitress? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
No, but I can imagine becoming a mass murderer. 

**SUE THE WAITRESS :**   
Okay... okay sweetheart. _(writes the order and walks off)_

**J-NINE :**   
I see you spread joy and happiness. So what are you doing with your million? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I don't want to talk about it. 

**J-NINE :**   
...You didn't take it. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I said: I don't want to talk about it. 

**J-NINE :**   
You want to express with that special gesture something. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Ahh J-NINE!!! I just don't want to talk about it. 

**J-NINE : **_(sights)_   
Okay, okay. Let's talk about something else. How about spaceidiots spotting? 

**DARIA STARR :**_ (sinister)_   
I spot one spaceidiot sitting beside me. 

**J-NINE :**   
Good one Daria. I spot one spaceidiot in a Hawaii shirt at that group over there... ohmigawd … Daria... check out that girl with the glasses... 

_Daria and J-Nine look at a group of seven people sitting at the other end of the bar._

_One of them is a girl with glasses, who looks EXACTLY like Daria.___

_She sits beside a brunet jock, who wears a Hawaii shirt. The rest of the crew contains: one blonde bimbo, one elderly man with white hair strains, a mid-forties woman and a female and a male Afro-American. They are all wearing the same overalls, which indicates, that they work for one of those huge mining companies. All are enjoying a meal, while the male Afro-American is telling them some anecdotes._

**CHIEF ENGINEER "MACK" PARKER :**   
...we were lost. Nobody knew where we were. And then Harry said he wanted to re-install "Windows" again, and I said to him:   
I meant "iMAC" not "I Mack" you dummy! 

_All start laughing, even that girl with glasses._

**CHIEF ENGINEER "MACK" PARKER :**   
And now a killer joke about the "iMAC":   
... Sorry, I can't tell you. It's not "PC". 

_All laugh even more._

**FIRST OFFICIER HELEN KANE :**   
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha hhhhhh...uerk uh barf... 

_She is choking out her food and grabs her chest._

**LIEUTENANT DARIA RIPLY :**   
Uh Helen, what is the matter? 

**CHIEF ENGINEER "MACK" PARKER :**   
I told you it was a killer joke. 

_Helen keeps on spitting out her food. She lies down on the bar, winding in pain._

**CAPTAIN JODIE DALLAS :**   
Bring some water. 

**SIENCE OFFICIER ANTHONY ASH:**   
What SHE needs is the HeimLICH Maneuver! 

**TECHNICIAN ASSISTANT KEVIN BRETT :**   
What did she order, babe? 

**NAVIGATOR BRITTANY LAMBERT :**   
Oh, she had the Luna fish. 

**TECHNICIAN ASSISTANT KEVIN BRETT :**   
The Luna fish? I ordered that too. _(to the waitress)_ I change my order to the Luna soup. 

**NAVIGATOR BRITTANY LAMBERT :**   
Oh, you are so smart... stop smiling at the waitress, Kevy! 

**FIRST OFFICIER HELEN KANE :**   
...ARRRGGGGGGG! 

_A "Quinnien"-Monster ("Half-Alien / Half-Quinn" creature, which is 30 centimeters long) breaks out Helen's chest, covering the whole crew with blood._

**LIEUTENANT DARIA RIPLY :**   
Oh, no. In space nobody can escape tasteless crossovers. 

**FIRST OFFICIER HELEN KANE : **_(looks at it)_   
Ahhh, isn't she a cutie. _(she faints)_

_The Quinnien jumps out of the chest on to the bar. Everyone including Daria Starr and J-Nine is stunned with horror._   
_The Quinnien growls and then... She starts singing and dancing down the bar._

**QUINNIEN : **_(singing a song in the tone of "Baby One More Time" by "Britney Spears")_

...Oh baby, baby,   
how was I supposed to know.   
Oh dearest baby,   
but I have to let you go. 

I must confess,   
that my cutie-ness   
is killing you now.   
Do you know what I do believe, 

that you will be no more.   
It's your last life sign.   
Goodbye baby the last time. 

_The Quinnien dances past Daria Starr and J-Nine. They both stare at it in disbelieve._

My cutie-ness   
is killing you (and I).   
I must confess,   
what I do believe (do believe).   
When I'm no more in you, you lose your life.   
It's your last life sign.   
Goodbye baby the last time. 

I must confess (my cutie-ness),   
that my cutie-ness (is killing you)   
is killing you now (I must confess). 

Do you know, what I do believe (I do believe),   
that you will be no more   
and it's your last life sign --   
goodbye baby the last time. 

_The Quinnien jumps from the bar right into a ventilation shaft._   
_As soon the Quinnien is gone, Daria and J-Nine stand up at once._

**DARIA AND J-NINE :**   
Check please. 


	15. PART 14: Think of baseball

PART 14: Think of baseball.

  
  
  
  


**PLANET SLOANIA - EXT. THE SLOAN PALACE - DAY**   
_Tom is standing on a balcony. He is staring up to the sky. Three-NT approaches._

**THREE-NT :**   
Still thinking of Daria? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
She didn't take the million. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Huh? 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
She wanted to express with that special gesture something, by not taking the million spacedollars reward. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Well, that is our Daria. The coolest girl in the galaxy. 

_Elsie joins them._

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
Yes, but she took 284 spacedollars for lunch, gas, and tolls. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
What do you want Elsie? 

**PRINCESS ELSIE :**   
Well... Three-NT, there is still something you wanted to show me. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Ah yes, excuse us Tom. 

_Three-NT and Elsie walk off into the park. Tom's face frowns._

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT - SPACE**   
_Silence._   
_Daria and J-Nine are just staring at the stars._   
_Then Daria breaks out:_

**DARIA STARR :**   
I want to be again together with Tom! 

**J-NINE :**   
Huh?... Are you sure? We are too far away. Tom will be already married, when we arrive back at Sloania. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Yes. And there is still the concept that princes are only allowed to marry princess or popular women. So... I have got no chance at all... so unpopular... I am... _(Daria is about to cry...)_

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Tam, tah, tah, tahhh. Amy, the godlike Deus Ex Machina is speaking to you... 

**DARIA AND J-NINE :**   
Amy! 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Amy, what are you doing again in my head. 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Just checking out sexual fantasies of yours. 

**J-NINE :**   
Does Daria have interesting sexual fantasies? 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Not as interesting than yours J-Nine. 

**J-NINE :** _(to herself)_   
Think of baseball, think of baseball... 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Daria Starr, that referee's whistle, that you wear around your neck. Here is its real meaning: It is from South Korea on planet Earth. And planet Earth is a place, where you are a popular star, you have got your own TV-series and ten-thousands of fans, who spam regularly the internet with more or less creative fanfics. So my dear Daria. This whistle proofs, that you are a certified popular. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I am popular. Which means… hang on, isn't that a contradiction. 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
Which means, you should save Tom, before he suffers severe dehydration, after spending his honeymoon night in bed with that blond-big-boobed-bimbo. To get back to Sloania in time, there is a special can of fuel I have hidden in your glove compartment. 

**J-NINE : **_(to herself)_   
...think of baseball, think of baseball... 

**DARIA STARR :**   
J-Nine! Open the glove compartment. 

_J-Nine opens the glove compartment and pulls out a can._

**J-NINE :**   
Whoa, a can of Liquid Salami. I will pour it at once in the emergency tank. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Amy! A last question: Are all fanfics of Ace Trax always tawdry, stupid and humiliating, or is he just in a phase? 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
I don't believe that people, who write Daria fanfics grow out of any phase. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(sights)_   
Thank you for everything Amy. 

**AMY'S VOICE :**   
You are welcome. And may the Salami be with you. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Fasten your seatbelt J-Nine, we are going to make Hyperactive Speed look like the "The Florida Ballots Recount of the Year 2000". 

**EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE**   
_The Spacetank turns around sharply and dashes into the stars at Salami Speed._

**ORBIT OF AN UNKNOWN PLANET - SPACE**   
_The wreckage of the Mega Mall falls toward the planet. The Fashion Club is screaming._

**THE FASHION CLUB :**   
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! 

**UNKNOWN PLANET - BEACH - DAY**   
_The wreckage crashes on the beach. The Fashion Club is dirty but still alive. They make their way out of the craft._

**MISTRESS DARK QUINN :**   
Eww, I need a shower. 

**PRESIDENT SANDI :**   
Oh, shut up Quinn! 

**COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :**   
Oh, shut the up you two!! 

**COLONEL STACY :**   
Oh, shut up you three!!! 

_At the horizon there are two repulsive figures on a lawnmower observing the scene._

_Two repulsive figures on a lawnmower?_

_Guess who:_

**BUTTHEAD :**   
Whoa! Look, someone has dropped something. 

**BEAVIS :**   
Whoa! Heh heh um heh droppings heh heh droppings. 

_Butthead looks through in his binoculars._

**BUTTHEAD :**   
Uh huh huh huh! Whoa...Beavis look, chicks. 

**BEAVIS :**   
Heh heh heh. Yeah! Chicks. 

**BUTTHEAD :**   
Huh Huh. This is it, Beavis. We're finally gonna score! 

**BEAVIS :**   
Yeah! Heh heh heh! Now we are gonna get some! 

_Butthead looks again through his binoculars and notice that these girls fall into the category of supermodels._

**BUTTHEAD :**   
Hey, one, two, three, four hot gorgeous babes! This is gonna be cool! 

**BEAVIS :**   
Whoa, four chicks for the two of us...that is for each of us ....   
wait ...four chicks... I got it ...wait....each of us....I got it....wait....four chicks....I got it.... each of us…. 

**BUTTHEAD :**   
You are such a dumbass, Beavis. 

**BEAVIS :**   
Who cares Butthead. Heh heh there is enough for us both heh heh heh. 

**BUTTHEAD :**   
Oh shut up bunghole. You are too stupid for *these* chicks. They are mine. 

**BEAVIS :**   
DAMMIT! Give me some chicks. I WANNA SCORE! 

**BUTTHEAD :**   
Here, I give you some chicks. 

_Butthead smashes the binoculars over Beavis's head. Beavis passes out for some seconds, but then he immediately stands up._

**BEAVIS :** _(in Cornhoolio mode)_   
ARE YOU THREATENING ME?! 

_Both start fighting._


	16. PART 15: This man is a fraud

PART 15: This man is a fraud.

  
  
  
  


**INT. THE SLOAN PALACE - WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY**   
_Tom and his dad stand at the altar together with Minister DeMartino. Brittany and her dad start walking down the aisle. The Mystic Galactic Spiral, now with its lead guitarist Three-NT, is playing "Here Comes the Bride" in grunge style. Brittany and her dad reach the altar._

**MINISTER DEMARTINO :**   
Dearly BELOVED! We are gathered HERE... AGAIN !!! on this MOST joyous occasion, to witness Princess BritTANY and Prince TOM to join in the bonds of HOLY matrimony. Do you, Princess BRITtany, take this man to be your lawfully wedded HUSBAND? 

**PRINCESS BRITTANY :**   
Yes, I do. 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
And do you, PRINCE Tom, take this pulchritudinous WOMAN to be your lawfully wedded WIFE? 

_Suddenly, there is Kevin standing behind a window. (Not the "technician assistant Kevin Brett" from "Mom's Dinner", the other one: Kevin Thompson). The wedding party reacts._

**KEVIN : **_(and banging at the window)_   
Brittany ! 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Brittany, that is Kevin Thompson, your former highschool sweetheart. 

**PRINCESS BRITTANY :**   
Eep! 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
I SAID, do you, TOM, assume legal responsibility for this OVERRIPE specimen of FEMALEHOOD standing next to you?   
The one in WHITE, son! 

**KEVIN :**   
Brittany !   
_(banging on) _Brittany ! 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
WELL?! 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Follow your heart, Brittany! 

**PRINCESS BRITTANY : **_(squeals and shakes her head very fast )_   
Ah eh ah eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh.... 

**KEVIN :**   
Brittany ! 

**PRINCESS BRITTANY : **_(shouts)_   
Kevvvyyy ! 

_Brittany runs to Kevin. They both hold hands and run out the wedding chapel. The Mystic Galactic Spiral plays "Mrs. Robinson" in grunge style._

**THREE-NT :**_(chuckles-coughs)_   
Sorry guys, we couldn't resist. 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
Ah... Prince Tom. PLEASE accept my condolences on the UNFORTUNATE way the biggest day of your LIFE has turned out. 

**PRINCE TOM :** _(triumphantly)_   
Yes! 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
Fortunately it is CUSTOMARY on these occasions for the GROOM to marry the bridesmaid. I PRESUME you intend to honor THIS. 

_Tom looks at the bridesmaid. She is a princess from the Planet Johansson, who is at the moment by the buffet eating the whole wedding cake._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
...eep! 

_The chapel door opens and Daria and J-Nine step in walk down the aisle._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
DARIA! J-Nine. 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
Excuse ME! But SAME-sex-marriages, are NEXT week! 

**DARIA STARR :**   
What?... No, I am here because Tom. 

**KING ANGIER :**   
You can't be together with Tom, you are not popular. 

**J-NINE :**   
But now she is popular. This is Daria Superstarr. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
My referee's whistles proves clearly, that I am a certified popular. 

**PRINCESS ELSIE : **_(deadpan)_   
Oh, that seems plausible. 

**THREE-NT : **_(joins them)_   
Ah, popular/unpopular... Why should rules mess up our lives. 

**QUEEN KATHERINE :**   
He is right: Daria is very honest noble person. 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Daria, I want to give it one more try. Will you be again my girlfriend? 

**DARIA STARR :** _(smiles)_   
I am green with it. 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
I'm SICK of this. Frankly my DEARS, I don't give a DAMN. Who is marrying WHOM. But today I'm GOING to marry somebody. DARIA, THREE-NT! 

**DARIA AND THREE-NT :**   
Yeah. 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
J-NINE , TOM! 

**J-NINE AND TOM :**   
Yeah. 

**MINISTER DE MARTINO :**   
_(very fast)_   
In the name of the planet Sloania and the powers given to me by the Lawndale Starfederacy, I declare you officially for legally MARRIED!!!   
_(normal speed)_   
Three-NT you may KISS Daria and Tom you MAY kiss J-Nine. 

**DARIA, THREE-NT, J-NINE AND TOM :**   
Yeah..   
_(realizing what happened) _NO! 

_The chapel door opens Ms. Clair Defoe, the art teacher, steps in, pointing at "DeMartino"._

**MS. DEFOE :**   
Hold it. This man is a fraud. He hasn't got a wedding license, he is a history teacher. 

**"DE MARTINO" :**   
_(without shouting any word and without eyes bulging, in a calm arrogant voice)_   
You are right. Mr. DeMartino has no wedding license. But *I* do... 

_"DeMartino" takes a step back, and his two arms pulls his head up._   
_At that moment the whole face, which is actually a mask, opens itself up, like in the movie "Total Recall"._   
_It reveals… Ace Trax!_

**ACE TRAX :**   
...Hello it's *ME*: The fanfictionauthor Ace Trax. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
I'm going to be sick. 

**J-NINE :**   
This is getting rather silly... 

**THREE-NT :**   
What the hell do you call this? 

**ACE TRAX :**   
This is called "S-E-L-F I-N-S-E-R-T-I-O-N". 

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Eww. That sounds revolting. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Is this supposed to be a Happy End? 

**ACE TRAX :**   
This is a Happy End. Do you know that 89% of all fanfic readers are Anti-Tommers. 

**J-NINE :**   
Anti-Tommers? Then how does it come, that I had married him just now. 

**ACE TRAX :**   
In any good fanfic, there should be fear, hate, anger and suffering for the protagonists... 

_Our four heroes pull out cattle prods and hold them against Ace Trax._

**PRINCE TOM :**   
Make a quick divorce. 

**ACE TRAX :**   
Why? OH... from where do you guys got these cattle prods so fast from? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Never ending, forever lasting pain... hey, that is a good song title... 

**ACE TRAX :**   
Okay, okay. That are some very good arguments you hold in your hands... In the name of the planet Sloania and the powers given to me by the Lawndale Starfederacy, I declare you officially for di…… diiiiiiii Uerk ARG AOGGGGG! 

_Ace Trax whirls and twists in pain until a Quinnien breaks out his chest covering the wedding party in blood._

_Ace Trax somehow manage to hold the Quinnien back in his chest._   
_He crashes through the window behind him, and falls in a huge basin of molten lead, sited at the back of the wedding chapel._

_The Quinnien growls and starts singing before she and Ace Trax hit the molten lead._

**QUINNIEN : **_(singing a song in the tone of "Oops... I Did It Again" by "Britney Spears")_

Oops!… I did it again.   
I braked out your chest, now it is a mess,   
oh baby, baby.   
Oops!... now it rings your bell:   
That I'm sent from hell.   
I'm just a parasite. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(under shock)_   
Tom, why there is a molten lead basin behind the chapel? 

**PRINCE TOM :** _(under shock)_   
Industrial zone planning mistakes. 

**J-NINE :**   
Well, Three-NT. It could have been worse. He could have married me with you. 

**THREE-NT :**   
Yeah, or he could have married me with Tom. _(chuckles-coughs)_

**EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE**   
_On the back of the Spacetank is painted "JUST MARRIED - but not for long."_

**INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT**   
_Three-NT is at sleep mode. Daria is at the steering wheel, looking with a Mona Lisa smile at her "new - but not for long" husband. Then Three-NT wakes up, Daria looks away and pretends reading a book._

**DARIA STARR : **_(mutters)_   
Good afternoon, Three-NT. Finish from recharging? 

**THREE-NT :**   
Hey.….. Wife. _(chuckles-coughs)_ Hmm Daria, when do we arrive at the "Las Wega System" for our "Twenty-Spacedollars-Five-Minute-Divorce"? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
In six hours. 

**THREE-NT :**   
So we have six hours of marriage then.   
_(Three-NT moves closer and put his right hand on her left hip)_   
Well Daria.   
_(he looks deep in her eyes)_   
I want to make use of this opportunity:   
Demanding my right. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(blushes violently)_   
Mmmmm... 

**THREE-NT :**   
Wife! Make me a sandwich. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
...First you bring the garbage out. 

_Both start chuckling._

**THREE-NT :**   
Reminds me, what happened to our honeymoon couple Janey and Tom? 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Well they spent the whole time in the backroom, since we have took off. 

**THREE-NT :**   
I wonder what they would do so long alone... Playing _(chuckles-coughs) _Scrabble? 

**DARIA STARR : **_(smirks)_   
Well, they could play certain adult games. But that would cause your "Shipper Alarm" to go off. 

**THREE-NT : **_(serious)_   
Ehem, Daria. 

**DARIA STARR :**   
Yes, Three-NT. 

**THREE-NT :**   
The "Shipper Alarm" was disabled in that moment, when that fanficfreak Ace Trax legally married us all. 

**DARIA STARR :** _(beat)_   
... well...ehem...sorry, Three-NT, if you don't mind I fall in a phase of irrational paranoia. Okay? 

**THREE-NT :**   
You are welcome. 

**DARIA STARR : **_(shouts)_   
ARGGGGHH!!! 

_Daria rushes out the cockpit into the backroom._

**EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE**

**VOICE OF DARIA STARR : **_(hysteric)_   
J-NINE! TOM! Open the door at once. 

_The Spacetank flies on, leaving a stream of glitter behind, which form the words:_   
  
  


"MAY THE SALAMI BE WITH YOU."   
  
  


**THE END**

  
  
  


**CLOSING MUSIC: "Viva Las Vegas" performed by "The Dead Kennedys".**


End file.
